The Love Letter. (revised, re-edited and added too.)

The Love Letter. (revised, re-edited and added too.)

This is a kind of Shamballa update. Because of the downloads we receive monthly, all kinds of memories are being shaken loose, things most of us forgot and remember much, much later when we are pensioners. That is to late for any serious illuminate and thank god there are many ways for illuminates to speed up the recovery of all memory and stray energies stored in those tidbits.

 Two days ago i had to think about an old girlfriend or better girl ‘friend’, a beautifull redhaired lady i was in love with in another life. Then i was reasonably innocent and young, i could shield myself from the dirt flying around in the world around me.
Not long after that my old self died, again (second time), i was clean of my story and free of memories, there  was nothing, nothing to suppress, i dared to look in the mirror at myself for years and say; ‘I know you through and through’ , without blinking. Not much later i banned mirrors from my life for a few years.

I had to think of that beautifull red lady, thought about a special loveletter i had sent her. I had saved the little cartons from my sigarette paper boxes(they are not really boxes but there is no better word for it), and wrote a love letter on them and sent it to her. After i sent it i obviously regretted doing it, uncool of a guy to admit to these feelings and more of that bullshit and commitment issues, a classic, yes, yes, as a human you are being bothered by these things.

I remember a telephone conversation and me stoned (those rock n’roll days) and tonguetied(stoned and repressed), could not tell her i loved her. I never saw her again.  

Tonight i sat on the couch, thought about the letter and decided to write another one. I had saved the little cartons and started to write, but it would not asume the form of a letter, a loveletter or whatever. But that beautifull red, what would she look like, ten years later, ten years older, like me, with a child, i told her that already. The last bit is me being a bit ahead of myself.

When she told me she would leave to study somewhere i was so stupid to look into her future and tell it to her, tell her she would have a baby and that her man, friend, would leave her. Yes, honesty, stupidity was always part of me. I saw her get angry, scared a bit, we talked on and it was forgotten. But the story still existed in my head. (Or is it her remembering that story of the past and me, being one of the two in the cast of that scene, felt her remembering that story and i ignited by it started this chapter) Saturday morning i threw it in to the aether, ‘I am sorry i made that prediction’, i should not have said it, should not have told her fate, i should just have told her that i loved her, no puppy love, it was not puppy love, it was real, the whole package, body and mind, talked to me, back then.  But i do not have that kind of love any more, i have changed to much inside, i am not human anymore, never want to be one anymore, not for any treasure in the world, but to see her again, what kind of woman will she be now…….that is what i like to know, what happened to her and tell her what i have done, my adventures in sorcery land. After that i would leave it to the gods, to do as they will. And tehy wil and do as they do, as we are just some bugs in the garden.

Now i made another letter,wrote it, now twelve little cartons, even a mini envelope, i don’t know if i did that back then. It is still enjoyable to make all kinds of stuff.
So, if i see her again, i will give her that little envelope, even though the contents is totally different than i wanted it to be. It is the truth, if she can understand it or wants too, can accept it or not does not really matter, it is a gesture, a scene in a movie that is my life and will never be made because the things that matter are so outrageous that i did not have the time to really write about them.  But even that last thing will be done in the books i am writing now. There is talk one of my books will be published in january 2011, maybe even two. The gods know where it will go, i’ll wait and see, i really can’t be bothered with it. I lived a lifetime in a few years and will never be paid or remunerated for it. I started my pensioners life already, although one would not see it looking at me.

This is, was the memory of a girl, now a beautifull woman with a son of nine years or so, i think. If the gods want it i’ll meet her, feel if there still is a spark. The only person from the past i would like to see again, the rest is not worthwhile thinking about, has no meaning at all. This meaning there is nothing of me still stuck in the past with people that have no meaning for me any more.

love and light

For that beautifull redhead.

This chapter is to be found in the book, The blue cats of Grau. Book 3 of the Multidimensional Chronicles.